I'm Filled with GLEE!!

I'm very proud to proclaim that I am a Gleek. For anyone who doesn't know what that is, it is how fans of the TV show Glee refer to themselves (kinda like Barry Manilow fans call themselves Fanilows). While this may not be the type of show that everyone can truly appreciate, I was hooked from the start.

Here's the premise: high school Glee kids singing random pop songs. Great writing, acting and musical numbers. That's it, simple I know. On top of that there are some great story lines that show what it's like to be a teenager (with a few awesome song and dances thrown in for good measure). Maybe not typical of most teens, but the struggle for acceptance is a big part of the show. Besides, who hasn't wished that music would start playing when he or she walks in a room (I think my company should go so far as to have specific entrance music for me); or who hasn't felt the need to erupt in song (hell, I do on occasion).

For me, the two great standouts are Lea Michele and Jane Lynch. Lea has an amazing talent that should be felt by everyone. Personally, I'm hoping she gets to sing a nice big song with Broadway diva Idina Menzel (if you've never heard her sing, it's your loss. I saw her about 13 years ago in the original Broadway production of Rent and she has a phenomenal voice).
Jane Lynch is incredibly funny in everything she does. Want proof, check out the Christopher Guest films she's been in. (Who's Christopher Guest? He's Jamie Lee Curtis' husband and is a fine filmmaker. I recommend 'Best in Show')

On a random side note, the character of Brittany makes me laugh constantly. I'm sorry to say that I don't know the actress' name, but she seems to get some of the best lines. (For example, when conversation turned toward the guidance counselor the following was uttered: They made me talk to her when they found out I kept birds in my locker). What?!? It was so random and unexpected that I couldn't refrain from guffawing.....loudly.

Outside of this, is the music itself. By taking current and older pop songs and making them something a little new and a little different, the cast is able to push into your brain and hang out for a little while. (I'm actually listening to the new CD inspired by tonight's all Madonna episode -- yup, it was waiting for me on iTunes today). Maybe some episodes have been a little off (the fake pregnancy -- really? Couldn't any man be that naive?), but one thing is constant: every episode leaves me filled with joy. What's wrong with that? Not a damn thing! We should all be filled with complete and utter Glee sometimes.

Now go forth and sing & dance! I certainly will.

I'm Not Big-Boned, I'm Fat!

I recently weighed myself and was faced with a number I have never seen before. That totally scary number (which you don't need to know) coupled with the way I look naked (and clothed for that matter) has sent me back to the gym in an effort to take some weight off. Don't get me wrong, gaining some weight has its benefits (like the fact that I actually have a bit of an ass now), but it's really not enough to make me wanna keep it on. Plus, my clothes are starting to not fit and I've paid too much for certain items to have them look too tight (a look that no one over 30 should ever try to sport).
I actually spent a great deal of my youth being chunky and rather plain looking, so this is really giving a beating to my self-esteem. Wait, I said chunky. What I really meant to say was husky. How I loathe that word. It brings back memories of my mother saying, "You're not fat, you're husky". Take it from me, that's just as damn bad. I was in a children's clothing store recently buying gifts and saw a display that said Slim, Regular, Husky. The poor sales lady must have thought I was a freak when I turned to Arne and began to rally against the evils of that word. Little Timmy and his husky jeans. Nothing worse than being a fat...sorry husky kid, except being a poor, husky kid (that's a post for another time).
Seriously, there are some photos of me that make me wanna shout DON'T FEED THE BEAR! (Of course by bear, I mean gummy bear, cause that's what I think I look like).
I did have a period about 10 years ago where I was thin. Fuck that, I was thin and hot. I was working out regularly and had a halfway decent body. This was also the period where I did a wee bit of modeling and considered being a stripper (which I did do once; spontaneously; by request of the bar patrons -- made some extra cash that night from it). I have no shame in admitting that. When you feel unattractive most of your life, knowing that folks find you sexy is quite a drug. Yes, my milkshake brought all the boys to the yard and I was certainly loving the attention.
Turning 30 a couple of years ago wrecked that. Now I have a noticeable stomach and there are many days where it hurts to button my pants (well, those that I can actually get on without breaking into a sweat). So I am determined to drop some weight and get back to my normal size. My motivation? That damn word HUSKY dancing in my head.

American Idol and My Shame

So, I more or less banned American Idol from my house after Jennifer Hudson was kicked off in season 3, but since she's done okay for herself, I relented to watching again this year. That may have been a huge mistake. Here is my take on tonight's episode. Feel free to agree or disagree, I don't actually care, as this is just my opinion.

First up, Siobhan the screaming chick. Holy off pitch. I like her a lot, but the screaming is getting old. Even Mariah Carey cut back on it some.

Casey -- Does he have to smile through every sound-a-like song? Seriously, I think the dude may be a bit mentally challenged (no, that's not the word I used when he was singing, but I'm trying to be nice....for now anyway).

Mike -- I actually can't stand this guy, and am ever so annoyed to say that he didn't bother me much tonight. Could be that he wasn't trying to be Mr. Falsetto for the whole song.

Didi -- I like the fact that her voice is different. Let's see how she does. Well so far, she's not all over the place. Hmmm, she really looks like Faith Hill tonight. Oh, that's a big slit in her dress. She was lucky that the camera was placed where it was or else there may have been an unexpected view.

Wow, the judges are painful to listen to. It would be nice if they'd get drunk before the show. Maybe the critiques would be a little more interesting. (Bring back Paula, just for laughter). Oh and stop booing Simon. At least he speaks the truth....most of the time anyway. I love Ellen, but can she form a sentence? Land the plane Ellen, land the plane.

Oh, Didi finished singing. Oh well, guess I didn't miss much.

Let's show everyone backstage feeling like ass. Are we that bored AI?

Oh Christ on crutches, it's that annoying Tim kid. Why is he on here. DO NOT BUTCHER ANITA BAKER!!!!! Bastard! Not even to the chorus and I hate him even more. In a few years, he'll be singing in the cocktail lounge of a second rate hotel. Wait, that was really snarky for a guy who works a 9 - 5 desk job in Harrisburg, PA. He tries so hard for earnest. Holy crap, I think he actually hit a couple of notes.

What's up with the elephant pin on Randy's sweater?

I think the judges have a bet to see how many people they can make cry tonight. Fun!

Why am I watching this show? Why did I give in? I think this season needs a do over.

Oh, Lost is on. I 'd rather be watching that. I'll catch up with it tomorrow.

Andrew -- had high hopes, but everything started to sound the same. Nice shining suit. Oh well, at least he's not telling us to rub him the right way. That was truly disturbing. Okay, I'm digging on this. Yay -- someone who doesn't make me wanna bash my head on the wall. That is a big ass earring he has on. I hate the tattoo on his neck. Just sayin. When did Randy become a fashion expert?

Ellen -- stop speaking. Don't overkill the joke.

Has Simon ever met a button he doesn't hate? If he added a big gold chain, he'd look like someone from the 70's headed to a disco. Again, just sayin.

Time to fast forward-- does anyone really wanna hear Ryan talk?

Oh no, Katie. No idea what way this is gonna go. Oh, singing Aretha. Curious. Oh honey, those shorts. No. Is she wearing jelly bracelets as earrings? Random.

What is Ellen's obsession with Snookie?!?

I wonder what the background singers think when they are singing backup for someone that they can sing circles around?

Where's Crystal? Bring on the real talent!

Oh, not jelly bracelet. A Christmas tree decoration maybe

Lee is next. I find him oddly attractive. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Wow, his head is enormous. Why is he yelling? Is Nickelback playing on AI right now? No, oh. Obviously the guy singing is a fan. With that said, not bad.

Wow, I am being a jerk tonight. Eh, oh well.

Is Simon a therapist now? You can't make eye contact. Something obviously happened. Shut up! Maybe it's because you're scary Mr. Simon.

Oh Crystal is next. I think she is divine. Come on Ms. Bowersox, show em who's the best. (Please don't fuck it up).

Yay, Glee is back in two weeks!!!!

She's singing Midnight Train to Georgia. Hot! Great song!! Bring it on mama! I smile everytime she sings. Mama is bringing it! The other folks should just hang it up. They are nowhere close to being in her league. If she gets voted off, I'm finished with this show.

That leaves Aaron, who I enjoy referring to as "The Muppet". Seriously, he looks like a muppet. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but, well you know, looks like a muppet.

Oh and I would love for this to be the last season of this show. I'm ready for it to die.

Back to the Muppet. He's singing Ain't No Sunshine -- never heard that song on this show. Let's hear it for originality. What is up with the faux hawk? He has no connection to this song. It's so supposed to be souful and full of hurt and longing. It sounds like he's reading a menu (with a lovely voice -- I'll give him that).

I can't believe I devoted an entire posting to American Idol. That folks, is now my shame to live with.

(Go Crystal!!!!)

The Church of Timmy

So, I don't believe in organized religion. I understand it's importance and I would never tell someone that his or her beliefs are wrong, but I just don't dig on it personally. Religion is meant to provide a sense of comfort to folks, but it's been turned into a weapon of hate; so, I have no place for it. Which doesn't help to explain why I decided that I should start my own religion.

I know that doesn't make any sense, but the rules of the Church of Timmy (or Timmyism -- take your pick) are simple. So simple in fact, that there is only one. That's right, just one rule: be kind to others. I have also referred to this rule as: don't be a douche.

Let me give some examples to show how that one rule takes care of everything. If you steal from someone -- that's kind of a douchey thing to do. Kill someone -- yup, you're being a douche. Tell someone that his or her beliefs are wrong -- you gotta, you're being a douche.

It's really so simple. Just don't be a douche. If you are, recognize it and apologize (you still go to jail for murder, etc. cause that's the law of the land). Beyond that, just let folks live their lives. If you constantly try to interfere, well, refer to The Rule.

As far as an afterlife, in Timmyism, you get to choose your own. No one here to tell you what will be. Your energy simply gets replaced by whatever you want it to be. That's it.

That's how it works. Don't expect me to be a great leader (although I have final say in the religion, as long as I'm not being douchey) or send me money. Just do your own thing and don't do anything to hurt anyone else, because if you do......right, you're being a douche.
(Feel free to build a shrine to me in your home and worship it daily -- you just won't get anything for doing so).

Let's Talk About OCD

Okay, so here's the deal. I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) {wow, I totally spelled that out and then used the acronym, like I was writing a document at work}. Now, I've never actually been diagnosed. Hell, I've never actually gone for therapy of any kind. (I always said that I would when I turned 30, but I decided to save on the co-pay dollars and just suck it up and deal with it on my own. Trust me though, I would be some psychiatrist's wet dream). Anyway, I am totally convinced that I have a mild form of OCD.

Here's why: besides being super anal about where things are located, I like to double (triple plus) check that the stove is turned off, that my alarm is set, that the heater is at a certain temperature, etc. I also, tend to say it outloud as I'm checking (except the heat). I also have a tendency to count the number of stairs that I am walking up or down, en francais no less.

Now, most folks would probably say that I need to be medicated. I see it as a quirky charm; just don't put the milk on the wrong side of the refrigerator.

Woody Harrelson is How Old?!?

I read a few days ago that Woody Harrelson is 48 and that fact has stayed with me in such a discomforting way. Yes, I know that he's been acting for quite some time, but it never really occurred to me that he is pushing 50. It was at that exact moment that I realized just how old I am getting. I'll fess up to being 33, but I don't like to do so. In fact, most of the time I say that I'm 25, again. (Of course, I don't look 25 unless I shave; however doing so makes my head look, in my opinion anyway, particularly round. Kinda like a big, round, Charlie Brown head).

I've noticed since learning this fact about Mr. Harrelson, that I am now taking stock of the age of entertainers and slipping into a rather unattractive WHAT THE FUCK expression when I find out how old they are now. I remember these folks from when I was a kid, so it is particularly frightening and humbling to realize that middle age is sneaking up on me without any regard to my feelings.

Another moment like this that got the look? I was watching one of the early episodes of Roseanne last night and Dan and Roseanne were preparing for their 15 year high school reunion. HOLY SHIT! That makes them my age! I don't think I look that old, do I? I have been getting called sir a lot lately. While I can appreciate the use of manners, I may have to kick the next person who dares to call me that.

Obviously I have my issues with aging. Maybe I should just suck it up and start Botox injections. I did pass a billboard where a local physician has his own "punch card" for the service. Get six injections and the seventh is free!

Maybe I'll just embrace the ever increasing number of gray hairs I'm finding an grow old with some dignity. Nah, that's no fun! Bring on the needle!!!

Don't Put Kitty's Head in Your Mouth

Yup, I actually said those words out loud recently. My 1.5 year old Border Collie, Fritz, decided that he wanted to put the cat's head in his mouth. What's funny (and rather twisted) is that she didn't seem to mind much at all. What this proves (sadly), is that I am becoming one of those people who tries to reason with his dog. I'm beginning to realize that I do this ALL OF THE TIME. For instance, when Fritz decides he doesn't want to come back in the house and pulls on his leash so he can stay outside in the cold, what do I do? I try to convince him that he should come inside and stop embarrassing me in front of the neighbors. Yes, I said it. After typing it, I realize it's a bit pathetic but whatever, just my way of trying to get through to him. A dog. One of his favorite activities is sticking his nose in the cat's bottom. Yet I try reasoning. Obviously, I have the problem.

With that said, Fritz is a great dog. Unfortunately, I think the cats have convinced him to aid in my death (or maiming at least). One of his other favorite activities is attacking me at the top of the stairs. He starts his "I'm a bad ass" bark, growls and lunges at me; which is then followed by his sliding half-way down the stairs on his stomach. If I actually make it to the top of the stairs, he usually jumps at me. Granted this might seem like playing, but is it? I'm convinced that someday I will tumble down the stairs due to his enthusiasm. The cats will rejoice at their victory and lie on top of me to muffle my screams for help. Content in their knowledge that they have corrupted man's best friend.

You should see him chase his tail...and catch it. Maybe he'll stick with that instead of falling under the cats' spell and promises of endless butt-sniffing in exchange for doing their dirty deeds.