Don't You Dare Play it Again, Sam!

OK, so I know that I can't be alone in this. Surely there are others of you who suffer from this problem, right? I'm not referring to some medical condition or bizarre fear. What I'm talking about is the song that gets stuck in your head and won't seem to go away, no matter what you do. It could be a song that just pops into your mind from out of nowhere, or a song that gets stuck in your head all day after you hear it once, or worse, the song that is playing on a loop in your brain as soon as you wake up in the morning.

For me, the biggest offender lately has been Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" (and randomly B -- yes, I feel as if I can call you that since you've been violating my brain for over a year -- what's up with having part of the title in parentheses, are you now Shania Twain? Just asking). I will be the first to admit to the brilliance of this song. It's the kind of tune that you can help moving your feet to when you hear, but it is also one that seems to bury itself deep into your subconscious, popping up when you least expect it.

I've tried many thinks to get the song to stop playing over and over, such as avoiding it or actually listening to it. Neither method seems to ever help. When I try to avoid it, the Universe (in it's infinite wisdom and great need to play practical jokes) seems to put the song everywhere I am. Suddenly this song is on every radio station I turn to in the car and even playing in stores that I may venture into. That's some kind of hardcore promotion Mrs. Z!

Taking the time to listen to the song doesn't work either, as the repetitive loop is now intensified; only now, it's in stereo. For instance, today at work, the song popped up on my iPhone. As soon as I heard the opening notes, feet began to move around and my shoulders started moving with the beat. If I actually knew the dance from the video, I would have jumped up into the hall and done it. (This, by the way, would have been no real surprise, as it's not uncommon for me to bust out in a dance at work. What can I say, I'm unique).

Of course, this isn't the only culprit, but of late it's the worst. Those moments when it seems to merge itself with other songs, can take a turn for the strange. (I'm talking to you Miss Lady Gaga! You clever tune smith turning out your playful rhymes and catchy melodies). Try dealing with something along the lines of "All the single ladies, caught in a bad romance". Yup, exactly. The whole strange thing plays a trick on an otherwise normal day. Now, I have to try to go and get both of those songs out of my head.

Admit it though, you're singing the Beyonce song now.

I Will Not Drink the Flavor-Ade!

So I've been participating in Weight Watchers for almost two months and I have to say that at times, it feels a little cult like. I'm not trying to disrespect the program (I have lost 20 pounds in that time), but sometimes I feel like there will be little cups of a grape beverage passed to all of us.

I wasn't sure what to expect on my first visit. Would I have to introduce myself like they do in AA (or at least how it's always portrayed in movies & TV)? Hi, my name is Tim and I'm a fatty. I was relieved that the introduction wasn't necessary.

The program itself is good, in that it teaches good behaviors, but being so obsessive with this point system kind of creeps me out. (Perhaps this is just because I'm sick of counting points). The truth is, I don't always count my points like I should. Why you ask? I feel that because I've changed my diet AND because I regularly visit the gym, it really isn't always necessary. Just saying, a little lifestyle change goes a long way folks.

Oh and the meetings. Oy vey! I can understand applauding folks who have lost weight (in any amount -- let's face it, it's a big deal) is a good motivator. Seriously though, some of these folks need to SHUT THE HELL UP! I get so tired of listening to the same people over and over talking about the same thing every week. Some of this is an obvious cry for attention. If you're in that much need of some affection (you know some of these folks are treating applause as affection and affirmation) then get a pet. Or go have sex. Don't let your weight stop you dammit! Anyone can get some 'Brownchickenbrowncow' (say it fast) if they just try.

Plus, I don't understand the folks who like to eat during the meetings. Yes, they are snacks that you purchased at the meeting (seriously -- CULT. It's like the gift shop at a church. Makes you wonder, just a wee bit.) but you still need to count the points and stop shoveling them down your throats. Perhaps they should do away with chairs and have everyone do squats during the meeting. I know that some of the folks are only relying on the "point system" and not getting the exercise they need. Maybe a little motivation for them?

Like I said, it is helpful in teaching good habits, but maybe I'm just a little too dark and twisty to fully embrace it. Or, I'm just a dick.

American Idol and My Shame

So, I more or less banned American Idol from my house after Jennifer Hudson was kicked off in season 3, but since she's done okay for herself, I relented to watching again this year. That may have been a huge mistake. Here is my take on tonight's episode. Feel free to agree or disagree, I don't actually care, as this is just my opinion.

First up, Siobhan the screaming chick. Holy off pitch. I like her a lot, but the screaming is getting old. Even Mariah Carey cut back on it some.

Casey -- Does he have to smile through every sound-a-like song? Seriously, I think the dude may be a bit mentally challenged (no, that's not the word I used when he was singing, but I'm trying to be nice....for now anyway).

Mike -- I actually can't stand this guy, and am ever so annoyed to say that he didn't bother me much tonight. Could be that he wasn't trying to be Mr. Falsetto for the whole song.

Didi -- I like the fact that her voice is different. Let's see how she does. Well so far, she's not all over the place. Hmmm, she really looks like Faith Hill tonight. Oh, that's a big slit in her dress. She was lucky that the camera was placed where it was or else there may have been an unexpected view.

Wow, the judges are painful to listen to. It would be nice if they'd get drunk before the show. Maybe the critiques would be a little more interesting. (Bring back Paula, just for laughter). Oh and stop booing Simon. At least he speaks the truth....most of the time anyway. I love Ellen, but can she form a sentence? Land the plane Ellen, land the plane.

Oh, Didi finished singing. Oh well, guess I didn't miss much.

Let's show everyone backstage feeling like ass. Are we that bored AI?

Oh Christ on crutches, it's that annoying Tim kid. Why is he on here. DO NOT BUTCHER ANITA BAKER!!!!! Bastard! Not even to the chorus and I hate him even more. In a few years, he'll be singing in the cocktail lounge of a second rate hotel. Wait, that was really snarky for a guy who works a 9 - 5 desk job in Harrisburg, PA. He tries so hard for earnest. Holy crap, I think he actually hit a couple of notes.

What's up with the elephant pin on Randy's sweater?

I think the judges have a bet to see how many people they can make cry tonight. Fun!

Why am I watching this show? Why did I give in? I think this season needs a do over.

Oh, Lost is on. I 'd rather be watching that. I'll catch up with it tomorrow.

Andrew -- had high hopes, but everything started to sound the same. Nice shining suit. Oh well, at least he's not telling us to rub him the right way. That was truly disturbing. Okay, I'm digging on this. Yay -- someone who doesn't make me wanna bash my head on the wall. That is a big ass earring he has on. I hate the tattoo on his neck. Just sayin. When did Randy become a fashion expert?

Ellen -- stop speaking. Don't overkill the joke.

Has Simon ever met a button he doesn't hate? If he added a big gold chain, he'd look like someone from the 70's headed to a disco. Again, just sayin.

Time to fast forward-- does anyone really wanna hear Ryan talk?

Oh no, Katie. No idea what way this is gonna go. Oh, singing Aretha. Curious. Oh honey, those shorts. No. Is she wearing jelly bracelets as earrings? Random.

What is Ellen's obsession with Snookie?!?

I wonder what the background singers think when they are singing backup for someone that they can sing circles around?

Where's Crystal? Bring on the real talent!

Oh, not jelly bracelet. A Christmas tree decoration maybe

Lee is next. I find him oddly attractive. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Wow, his head is enormous. Why is he yelling? Is Nickelback playing on AI right now? No, oh. Obviously the guy singing is a fan. With that said, not bad.

Wow, I am being a jerk tonight. Eh, oh well.

Is Simon a therapist now? You can't make eye contact. Something obviously happened. Shut up! Maybe it's because you're scary Mr. Simon.

Oh Crystal is next. I think she is divine. Come on Ms. Bowersox, show em who's the best. (Please don't fuck it up).

Yay, Glee is back in two weeks!!!!

She's singing Midnight Train to Georgia. Hot! Great song!! Bring it on mama! I smile everytime she sings. Mama is bringing it! The other folks should just hang it up. They are nowhere close to being in her league. If she gets voted off, I'm finished with this show.

That leaves Aaron, who I enjoy referring to as "The Muppet". Seriously, he looks like a muppet. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but, well you know, looks like a muppet.

Oh and I would love for this to be the last season of this show. I'm ready for it to die.

Back to the Muppet. He's singing Ain't No Sunshine -- never heard that song on this show. Let's hear it for originality. What is up with the faux hawk? He has no connection to this song. It's so supposed to be souful and full of hurt and longing. It sounds like he's reading a menu (with a lovely voice -- I'll give him that).

I can't believe I devoted an entire posting to American Idol. That folks, is now my shame to live with.

(Go Crystal!!!!)

The Church of Timmy

So, I don't believe in organized religion. I understand it's importance and I would never tell someone that his or her beliefs are wrong, but I just don't dig on it personally. Religion is meant to provide a sense of comfort to folks, but it's been turned into a weapon of hate; so, I have no place for it. Which doesn't help to explain why I decided that I should start my own religion.

I know that doesn't make any sense, but the rules of the Church of Timmy (or Timmyism -- take your pick) are simple. So simple in fact, that there is only one. That's right, just one rule: be kind to others. I have also referred to this rule as: don't be a douche.

Let me give some examples to show how that one rule takes care of everything. If you steal from someone -- that's kind of a douchey thing to do. Kill someone -- yup, you're being a douche. Tell someone that his or her beliefs are wrong -- you gotta, you're being a douche.

It's really so simple. Just don't be a douche. If you are, recognize it and apologize (you still go to jail for murder, etc. cause that's the law of the land). Beyond that, just let folks live their lives. If you constantly try to interfere, well, refer to The Rule.

As far as an afterlife, in Timmyism, you get to choose your own. No one here to tell you what will be. Your energy simply gets replaced by whatever you want it to be. That's it.

That's how it works. Don't expect me to be a great leader (although I have final say in the religion, as long as I'm not being douchey) or send me money. Just do your own thing and don't do anything to hurt anyone else, because if you do......right, you're being a douche.
(Feel free to build a shrine to me in your home and worship it daily -- you just won't get anything for doing so).

Let's Talk About OCD

Okay, so here's the deal. I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) {wow, I totally spelled that out and then used the acronym, like I was writing a document at work}. Now, I've never actually been diagnosed. Hell, I've never actually gone for therapy of any kind. (I always said that I would when I turned 30, but I decided to save on the co-pay dollars and just suck it up and deal with it on my own. Trust me though, I would be some psychiatrist's wet dream). Anyway, I am totally convinced that I have a mild form of OCD.

Here's why: besides being super anal about where things are located, I like to double (triple plus) check that the stove is turned off, that my alarm is set, that the heater is at a certain temperature, etc. I also, tend to say it outloud as I'm checking (except the heat). I also have a tendency to count the number of stairs that I am walking up or down, en francais no less.

Now, most folks would probably say that I need to be medicated. I see it as a quirky charm; just don't put the milk on the wrong side of the refrigerator.

Woody Harrelson is How Old?!?

I read a few days ago that Woody Harrelson is 48 and that fact has stayed with me in such a discomforting way. Yes, I know that he's been acting for quite some time, but it never really occurred to me that he is pushing 50. It was at that exact moment that I realized just how old I am getting. I'll fess up to being 33, but I don't like to do so. In fact, most of the time I say that I'm 25, again. (Of course, I don't look 25 unless I shave; however doing so makes my head look, in my opinion anyway, particularly round. Kinda like a big, round, Charlie Brown head).

I've noticed since learning this fact about Mr. Harrelson, that I am now taking stock of the age of entertainers and slipping into a rather unattractive WHAT THE FUCK expression when I find out how old they are now. I remember these folks from when I was a kid, so it is particularly frightening and humbling to realize that middle age is sneaking up on me without any regard to my feelings.

Another moment like this that got the look? I was watching one of the early episodes of Roseanne last night and Dan and Roseanne were preparing for their 15 year high school reunion. HOLY SHIT! That makes them my age! I don't think I look that old, do I? I have been getting called sir a lot lately. While I can appreciate the use of manners, I may have to kick the next person who dares to call me that.

Obviously I have my issues with aging. Maybe I should just suck it up and start Botox injections. I did pass a billboard where a local physician has his own "punch card" for the service. Get six injections and the seventh is free!

Maybe I'll just embrace the ever increasing number of gray hairs I'm finding an grow old with some dignity. Nah, that's no fun! Bring on the needle!!!