This is dedicated to Mrs. Robinson. You know who you are!
A couple of months ago, I went to the doctor because I had a horrible cough that I couldn't seem to get relief from. Turns out, I had bronchitis. This was doubly sucky, as I was leaving for vacation the next day. Neither of those is the real point of this story though. See, I have an unwavering need to share. Privacy? Pish! (Okay, maybe that's not 100% true, as I do value my privacy; I just like to tell stupid stories about my life; of show pics of me doing ridiculous things like ripping my pants; or the occasional flash of ass. Always in a specific context though.)
Anyway, at this visit it was discovered that I had high blood pressure. I mean, do the reading again because it can't be right high. I'm talking on the verge of a heart attack or stroke high. So, in a call for honesty, my number was...........192/125. WHAT?!? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!!! My pulse was in the low 140's. Can you say holy fuck?!? (I'm super competitive, so you know I'm totally like, mine's bigger than yours! Pluuuuuuh!!!! In this case, it is; maybe in the other case you're thinking of, it is too. Again, not the point of this story.)
I knew it was high, but I didn't realize just how high it was. So of course, my bronchitis took a back seat to this crazy number. An EKG was performed with no abnormal results. So naturally, the doctor felt the need to ask if I take stimulants. To which I replied, "you mean like coffee"? Him: Do you take any STIMULANTS? Me: Oh. NOOOOOOOOOO! (I'm totally a good boy; I just like to drink a little). I'm not sure what it is about me that leads health care practitioners to think I'm under the influence. Look folks, I'm just a little weird.
I left with a prescription for blood pressure medication, an antibiotic for the bronchitis and some vicodin to help me sleep. Also, a follow up visit was scheduled to check in on me after my return from vacation (which was awesome, btw).
Flash forward to the day of my follow up visit. I was chatting with a friend who was lamenting being topless in front of the young chiropractor/massage person. I made a comment about hoping I don't end up naked at my blood pressure follow up.
So, waiting at the doctor's office and the CRNP comes in to do the exam, which I'm fine with. I did feel a bit like a giant next to him, as there was at least a foot difference in height. (HULK TIMMY SMASH!) We spent time discussing my blood pressure and the proposed course of treatment and I'm taking notes and making jokes, cause that's what I do. He's looking at random body parts and says, "Okay, now it's time for the male exam". Really? Is it my fault for making the comment earlier?
Mind you, I have no problem with being nude in front of folks. People I know or strangers, I don't care. However, it was odd considering I was there for a blood pressure follow up and funny because I made a comment about hoping to not end up naked. Whatever. So anyway, he's all, stand here and pull your shorts down. So, giant Timmy is standing in front of him and I thought he said "sit in this chair". Which was just a regular chair, with no paper or whatever. My natural reaction was to say, "you want me to put my naked ass on that chair?!?" He said, no and I felt super classy. (I'm talking classier than normal. I can't imagine what any passerby in the hall thought.)
The next thing I know, my boys are getting jingled and I'm on the verge of laughing, because I'm thinking of the conversation from earlier in the day. So there I am, with the short guy bouncing my balls and alternately thinking don't laugh/don't get hard (what, so I like my balls jingled on occasion. Too much?).
Then it was over. Thankfully, before I embarrassed myself further. Had I known I was going to be naked, I would have worn nicer shorts. Not that they were full of holes or anything, just very boring. I might have worn a fair pair with mustaches all over or something nice. Yup, that was my lesson. No boring underwear when visiting the doctor.
Just so you know, my blood pressure is much better, as is my pulse.
Jingle Jingle!
