First, let's hear it for the double entendre! Yayness!!!
Okay, got that out of the way. This isn't a post about sex or special Timmy time or looking at porn or, you know, things of that nature (so get your damn mind out of the gutter already). This is a post about baseball (or softball; six, one half as far as I'm concerned). Sorry if that aside offended anyone, but honestly, baseball is just not my thing. Yeah, baseball players can be hot with all of that crotch grabbing and spitting and.....where was I? Wait, non-sexual. Focus Timmy. Right, baseball/softball. (I'm probably going to use those two words interchangeably, so be warned and try not to hate me too much for it).
I'm not the athletic kind. It has zip to do with the fact that I'm a giant mo, and more to do with the fact that I grew up without a father-type figure. (I'm not counting my step-father, sorry, move on. I'm also not trying to whine or be little Timmy against the world; just pointing out what I have identified as the main reason for my lack of athletic abilities). I wasn't really allowed to play team sports as a kid either (ask my mother why, I have no clue) so that's got something to do with it. Bygones.
Sadly, my memories of sports tend to be relegated to gym class. (BARRRRRRRRRFFFFF!) Those torturous events that we gay teens (who really can't pass for straight) go through that could possibly only be made better by being forced to roll around naked on broken glass. Why so bad for me? Well, imagine this: standing in the baseball field waiting for my turn to bat, thinking "please suddenly rain". Oh shit, not a cloud in the sky. Wait, what's that? Is that rain? No? Damn. Oh crap, it's my turn to bat. Well, let's get this over with. 1, 2, 3 -- OUT! At least that's over with for this class. Let's now go worry about how I carry my books in the hall. (FUCK YOU BITCHES! Sorry, that was what I assume a bad acid flashback feels like.)
Yup, this is sounding pathetic and maybe gets a bit worse. (Trust though, I'm moving out of bad after school special territory). Flash forward a few years to Timmy playing on a company softball team. WTF?!? Clearly I didn't learn my lesson the first go around.
So there I am, walking to bat. I'm a big guy, so the pitcher motions for his teammates to move back in anticipation of my hitting the ball into the outfield. (HAHA! FOOLS!) So I stand at the ready, flashing back to elementary school gym class, thinking about that plate of spaghetti sitting on my upper arms between my shoulder and elbow (really, the things that stay with us). He pitches. I swing and miss. Wanna guess what happens next? Yup, two more strikes and I'm out. At least I look cute in my team shirt. One of the more humiliating moments as an adult. (Yeah, I know, THAT's one of the moments I'm ashamed of? Yup. Sidebar -- sorry for ending the sentence with a preposition.)
Now I could wallow a little bit and talk about the other epic fails at company softball, but let's end on a positive note. Let's talk about the game where I actually hit the ball and made it to first base. Then second. Holy shit, I think I'm about to make it to third.....ugh, trip on big foot. Oh, I'm not going to just flop between the bases. So like the manly man I am (shut up), I threw myself at third base. Safe! YES! Oh, I seem to be bleeding profusely from my knee and my ass is almost hanging out of the shorts that slid down. (That happened once in tennis too. Apparently my ass likes to make appearances. What? It's a nice ass. You know you've seen it.) Shake it off Timmy, shake it off. To ease the suffering, yes, I made it to home base. Finally, in my late 20's I accomplish something I never have before in my life (wow, that's just pathetic). Injury and all, I scored for my team (so different from the other scores I've made). I felt such vindication; however, much like an endangered species, it was never to be seen again. I'm okay with that though, because it didn't make me like baseball.
I may not know what I'm doing, but I will play like I do. There are still times when I'm drinking and I shout, "Let's play football!" I think I just wanna knock people down.
