Enjoy!
3). About 10 years ago, I spent the evening at a friend's house (I'm sure drinking was involved the night before -- big shock, I know). It is late on a Saturday morning and I've just taken a shower. I thought, I'll be shocking and walk into her living room naked (oooo scandalous). See, she's a 'lady' which is our nickname for lesbian, which would make it a little more scandalous (except that she's seen naked guys before). Honestly, I can't believe that this was the first time that I was naked in front of her. Most of my friends see my in some form of undress at some point -- and now I'm going on a tangent. So, I stroll into her living room and stop just after entering the room. Why? Well, I just happened to look out her window and see her across the street neighbors sitting on their porch....looking at her window. I immediately hit the floor (seriously, you'd think that I was shot since I moved so fast). So, there I am....naked on the floor, trying to explain what just happened. My friends......did nothing but laugh.
2). I like to dance. I also like to randomly break into dances at work. It is not unusual to find me dancing against a wall or a co-worker, for fun. Yes, I have better things to do, but it provides a moment of silliness for everyone. If you've read any of my earlier posts, you know that I gained a little weight and needed to seek the assistance of a well known cult. This event occurred prior to my joining.
A co-worker was having a particularly rough day, so I decided that she needed me to dance against the back of her chair. I'm dancing. She's laughing. Then I decide to do a deep dip (to quote the song, i was going to make my 'booty touch the ground'). WRONG! I got half-way down, felt my knee pop and then heard a lovely ripping noise. I stood up immediately and had my hand on my backside to confirm how much was exposed. (Thankfully I had underwear on). My dear friend had no idea what was going on; HOWEVER, the other friend standing in the cube was bright red from laughing so hard. As you can see from the below picture, the rip was in a line under each butt cheek.
Wait, it gets better. This even happened in the morning. I needed to go home (obviously). It was winter and my coat didn't cover my bottom. I had to take my sweater off to tie around my waist (fortunately, I had a tank top on underneath). As I got into my car, I heard the split rip more. Had I not left, I would have finished the day in very short shorts. (Who wears short shorts? Sing it with me!)1). My most embarrassing moment occurred when I was but a wee (husky) lad of 11 or 12. (6th grade; whatever age that is). Now, I'm not sure what your gym was like in elementary school, but ours was in fact, a multi-purpose room, serving as the gym, the lunchroom and assembly room. For those who know what I'm talking about, remember that these rooms are not extraordinarily large, but do have high ceilings and noises tend to increase in volume (this is important).
Since it was gym class, we were in a large circle doing sit-ups (why not dodge ball? why not anything else?). I'm doing my best to do as many sit-ups as a chubby kid can.
Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
U
FFFFFFFFWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!
OMG! OMG! I JUST FARTED!!! (and you know that sound echoed)
PRETEND THAT NOTHING HAPPENED! JUST KEEP GOING!! SHITFUCKPISS!!!
Down.
Up.
Everyone is laughing, but fortunately, someone else got the blame. Sadly, he knew it was me and tried to get me to admit to it. I was such a goody goody that I was completely mortified by what just happened. Now, 20+ years later, I will finally fess up to it: yes, I farted in 6th grade gym class. OMG, I FARTED IN 6TH GRADE GYM CLASS! I'M SO EMBARRASSED!
I jest.
Now that I've shared my shame with the world, I hope y'all find humor in my humiliation. (I know I do).
