My Phobia Takes Over

Let me start by saying that I am pee shy.  I don't deny it, so I have no problem putting it out there for folks (unless you are talking about the "it" down below when I am urinating).  For those of you who don't know, a man who is pee shy has a difficult time urinating in front of other people (does this apply to women as well?).  I can't explain this phobia (paruresis -- well, look at that, it has a technical name).  I don't have any issue with being naked in front of others, though I probably should with my body in it's current state (see fat boy running posts).  So why am I unable to urinate in front of almost every other person, known or stranger (though it's easier if it's a stranger -- go figure).

I probably should have started this post with an apology.  So, though a paragraph late, I apologize for the nature of this post.  I'm sorry for discussing urination and my penis.  Although, I am not sorry for my penis -- it's quite lovely, or so I've heard.  (Ugh).  I'm going to apologize again for going in that direction.  Sigh.  You'll need to bear with me for a moment, while I collect myself.  You know, essentially.  (Yup, mean girl here).

I have shared the bizarre actions that I have been subjected to in private public places (restrooms/locker rooms), so I thought I needed to take a moment and share my own shameful action.  Though it was unintentional.  It's not like I was knowingly whipping a towel violently, like some tiny Asian men I have encountered.  By tiny Asian men, I mean one tiny Asian man.  I'm not trying to stereotype an entire group of people by saying they all like to play towel helicopter.  (What?!?)  I should refocus now, sorry...again.  (FYI, for anyone who is wondering, I am completely sober right now, though I can understand why my rambling would have you fooled into believing something else).

The following occurred earlier today in a men's restroom in my office building.  The following is my internal monologue as I was trying to relieve myself at the urinal and another man entered the restroom.

Ugh.  Go to the stall.  Go to the stall.

Damn.

Okay, focus on the wall.  Focus on the wall, don't even make it look like you might me trying to look anywhere else.  Wall.  Focus to the right.

Okay, that's good.  Seem to be okay.  Sounds like he's having trouble.  Good, I hate when it's just me.

 Is it weird that I'm eating an Altoid at the urinal?   OH MY GOD, HE CAN HEARING ME CRUNCHING SOMETHING!!!  Now he probably thinks I'm a big freak because I'm eating something while I piss.  Oh fuckballs!

(This is the moment, where I inexplicably find myself choking on pepperminty Altoid flavored spit.  I only wish that I were kidding).

Oh crap.  Choke.  Choke.  Shit, really?!?  Just keep swallowing quickly.  He must think I'm a freak.  Shit!  He's probably going to tell folks about this.  That's exactly what I would do.  Choke.  Swallow. (I  recognize the unintentional innuendo).

Oh good, I'm finished.  Wash hands; get out!

Needless to say, I washed my hands quickly and practically ran from the room.

My shame seems to know no bounds.

I'm sorry.  You know...again.